我的"少年家"在哪裡?

<---鄧雨賢的兒子

前幾天從來沒聽過鄧雨賢著個人，但我禿然被邀請去她的記錄片首映會，而必須學一首他的歌。
　沒想到其實我試聽他的歌長大的。 雖然我是加拿大華僑但他的音樂卻扮演了很重要的腳色在我生命因為只要我聽到他的歌就會想到爸爸。想念家鄉的她常常唱這些歌給我們聽。 我就找出來一段我三歲錄的片段，是我爸爸晿"滿春風"...我最後加了一聲"少年家". 想聽嗎? CLICK HERE

感覺好胖!!!

<----Not Model Thin

誰說瘦才是美? 我昨天思考了這問題。 為什麼? 因為認識了一對母女，媽媽說女兒怪他生她臉不夠瘦長。 這個女生其實很美有很甜的笑容。 更重要是她很有才華而一經出國練博士了。 有的時候我也會卡在我的外在的條件開始不斷地批評自己的”缺點”。 什麼事完美呢? 這個標準是誰定的? 真是讓我覺得好煩! 我同一天(也就是昨天)和一個非常瘦的女生照相，她就說 “Oh! 我的臉好大! 是方形的!” 聽到我的直覺的反應是 “那我呢?” 後來也覺得好莫名其妙，一個漂亮的女生看不到自己的美。 我想這種對話在我們的生活圈不斷地再發生。

我必須承認雖然我知道一個人的價值不應該來之她的外表，但我也會有負面的聲音困擾我。 為什麼是這樣? 因為每天我們都被媒體的標準轟炸。 我的專輯的封面上是一個沒有化妝的我…也沒有電腦修飾。 我真希望我們可以被解放。 不是說要放重，但是可以健康的去享受生命。 我今天早上不開心…看到昨天參加記者會的照片而記的這些女生給我的標準就開時負面。 我心理想: “I’m so fat and ugly.” 再來昨天晚上也吃了一個滿大的火機大餐。 我已經很難沒有罪惡感地享受美食。 看鏡子時就看自己不好。 I wish I could turn off all the programming! 後來就和朋友分享心情她就說 “如果內心的這些聲音那麼容易不理就沒那麼多賺很多錢的減肥公司。” 她就鼓勵我用正面的鼓勵去迪蕩外面的想法。But it’s easier said than done! 真得不容易。

做檸檬汁

<---Me and My mom 2 years ago.

Jesus said, "In this life you will have trouble,"
Buddha said "Life is suffering."
In The Road Less Travelled, M. Scott Peck said, "Life is difficult."
In Embracing Uncertainity, Susan Jeffers said, "Life is uncertain."

Well, that's not encouraging news! I would say it's bad news! The past two days I felt emotionally challenged as I struggle yet again to deal with accepting the state of my mother's health. My best friend Samantha is also going through a lot because her mother has been showing more serious signs of degredation from Alzheimers. It pains me to watch her have to mourn the loss of the mother she knew while having to take care of this new childlike person in the body of her mother.

I think the hardest thing to do amidst these trials is to accept and let go. ACCEPT. Seems like a simple word, but I often have to wrestle with many of life's unknowns, accepting that control is really just an illusion. LET GO...it's easy for us to think we're in control. We can decide what time to go to bed, what to eat, how much we work, but at any moment events can happen that make us realize that we are never truly in control.

So, how do we stay optimistic? For me it's learning to make the most of what I have. Though it's easy to feel paralyzed by fear and disappointment, like I once quoted on my radio show, "If life gives you lemons, make lemonade." I don't know how much time I can enjoy with my mom, just as Samantha doesn't know how quickly her mother will degrade, but together we are learning how to encourage each other to make the most of it. For me, that means putting off work and going home for extended periods of time and planning small vacations for our family. For Samantha it means building a relationship with the person her mother has become.

When life does not deal you the cards you want, you still need to stay in the game. Besides, you never know when you'll get a surprise ace! I had that feeling yesterday because I was really feeling SO DOWN!...I finally allowed myself to take a nap and when I woke up I found out I had 3 radio interviews lined up for the coming weeks.

It really isn't easy going the indie route. We have no marketing budget and we're just trying our best to find avenues for me to share my music and my heart. With no money, no income and only two people I often feel overwhelmed by the feeling that I'm never doing enough. There's always more that needs to be done. But what I'm learning is to accept where I am and make the most of what I've got. That is not only a form of optimism, it is also a form of appreciation. I need to remind myself to stay grateful, that I have a partner also willing to invest her life, spirit and time, and for all the challenges I've overcome to be where I am today.

My theme song these days, "Let Go" by Frou Frou :-)

新竹的好吃和感動

昨天再新竹過了一個滿開心的時間。 下午在誠品表演，晚上在Sogo的路邊表演，有街頭藝人的感覺。 我們遇到的人都很親切及鼓勵包括誠品和Sogo的員工。 我被一些願意分享自己的真心的觀眾特別鼓勵到。 也因此發現可以用音樂讓大家團聚及互動和分享。 因為中國人很含蓄而也有許多的傳統，有這樣的機會和時間很不容易，也很寶貴。

Yesterday was a pleasant day in Hsinchu. I played at Eslite in the afternoon and on the sidewalk of Sogo in the evening. The people were receptive, friendly and encouraging. I was especially touched by some of the listeners who shared their hearts. I am beginning to realize how meaningful it can be to bring people together because of music and create an opportunity for sharing and interaction. This is not very easy in a conservative Chinese environment.

我邀請觀眾分享自己的優點有一個很勇敢的婦女說雖然踏面領許多的挑戰包括離婚和癲癇症，她還是對生命充滿熱情。我很欣賞她的勇氣願意分享她的真心!

I asked the audience to share something they admired about themselves. One woman shared how she although she struggled with divorce and epilepsy, she maintains a passion for life. I could see the hardship in her eyes, but also the light and the will to live. I really admired her courage, to share her heart that way.

我也給觀眾機會向他們的媽媽表達心裏的愛如同我為我母親寫的哥。 雖然我提共了一張Cd做獎品沒人站起來，我很擔心冷場了。 看到一個媽媽想說服她的青少年的女兒我就把他們拉到台上。 雖然女兒很害羞他做了一見他說他從來沒做過的事，就是吻媽媽的臉頰。

At the end of my Eslite bookstore concert I sang Mama and offered to give a CD to anyone willing to get up in front of everyone and either kiss their mom and tell them "I love you" or call their mom on the phone and do the same. I was scared nobody would take the offer...everyone just sat there in silence...I think yearning to be able to have the courage. I saw one mother trying to persuade her daughter, and felt something move me in side to get them to come up. At first the daughter was shy and reluctant, but she broke through and in an act of courage gave her mom a kiss on the cheek, something she admitted she has never done before. The daughter looked like she was in her early teens, a time when most parents feel emotionally very distant form their children as teens are forming their own character and identity.

媽媽一坐下來就開始哭。我想是感動的眼淚因為雖然我們知道我們家人是愛我們的，但是深心還是需要感受那份愛透過言語和肢體的表達。我真的很希望這對母女會繼續表達因為他們有這一次的勝利。

When the mom sat down she started crying. I know she must have felt so touched by her daughter's act of love. I hope they can carry on with this, now that they've had this one victory!

看到他們的突破感覺看到奇跡。 我有些朋友想了好幾年都沒辦法和父母的關係更靠近。 我們很容易孝順父母用錢或著問“你吃了沒?”但把真心拿出來並不簡單。 有的時候即便在同樣的房間但心裡的距離像海般的大。

That moment, I felt I had witnessed a miracle. I have several friends who are still unable after years of longing, to break through multitudes of barriers that exist preventing them to connect emotionally with their parents. It's easy for children to "show respect" as is ingrained in our culture, through giving money or asking "have you eaten yet?", but to really take out our hearts and make the connection...sometimes though we're in the same room it can feel like oceans.

所以我很感激我媽媽為了要愛我和我妹袂打破了她的傳統，希望透過分享她的榜樣也能繼力到大家。

So, I'm so grateful for my mom, who broke through many Chinese traditions to be close to me and my sister and by sharing her example, I hope that others will also be inspired.

這個精力特別讓我感動因為在那個時刻我是如此的開心我是活著的。 我心裡有個聲音告訴我 “這就是我的天命!” 即便我不是大明星…或許我永遠沒辦法靠音樂吃飯(雖然還是可以有夢想)…但是我有很寶貴的機會用很親密的方式分享我的音樂，是少數的大明星有的機會。

This experience was very moving for me because at that moment I felt so happy to be alive. In my heart I felt a voice say, "THIS is what I'm made to do!"...so I'm not a big super rockstar...I may never be able to make a living off my music...though I still dare to dream. But I have the opportunity to connect through my music on a very personal level with people. Something rockstars don't necessarily have the opportunity to do.

有的時候我還是會跟內心很想成功的慾望角力，但當我可以touch到人的新我就存了能量來應付那些在路邊唱，沒錢賺，也沒人理你的時候。

Hence, even though I often fight with inner temptation to want to "make it", moments like these add fuel to my bucket for the hard times when you're singing on the sidewalk baring your heart and soul, not making any money, while people pass by oblivious to the love you would like to share with them.

不過在 Sogo路邊唱很開心。有親愛的聽友透過網站的消息從台中來到新竹鼓勵我。

That said, singing on the sidewalk of Sogo was not a bad experience. Some people who heard about the show through my website came out to cheer me on...even a couple of people from Taichung!...

WOW…我想說一聲謝謝對所有和我分享在新竹很快了的一天。 你們的點頭，認真的眼神，用腳跟著節奏打拍子…你們都鼓勵到我，也參予了我的夢想。 很高興有機會和大家相處。

WOW...all I can say is THANKS to all you who stopped and listened, nodded and tapped your feet to my singing and sharing. You made me feel so happy to be alive...to have the chance to connect to all of you!

Sadness

There is this feeling of unease inside that I am having difficulty embracing...usually when I feel this way I just want to run, bike, eat, or do something...but actually I need to do nothing and learn to sit with the feeling...let it rise and recognize it as a part of me.

It is not so easy to embrace sadness...

What am I afraid of?

基隆&地瓜

Starting the Eslite Tour in Keelung was especially meaningful because it is my Dad's hometown. My uncle, his wife, cousin and her husband all came out to support me (you can see them in the second picture below). I tried to imagine my dad as a kid running around in the streets. Unfortunately didn't have the chance to eat at the night market.

可以在基隆開始我的誠品的巡迴讓我很感動因為我爸爸是基隆人。 我的親戚也來鼓勵我 (第二張照片)。 想到小時後的他在基隆的路上玩來玩去。可惜沒時間逛廟口。

Everytime I am reminded of my parents' history in Taiwan I always feel deeply moved at how life brings us to places we would never imagine ourselves. In Keelung I thought of my grandfather working at the fishing docks. I'm sure he never imagined he'd have a Canadian born granddaughter come back to sing. Unfortunately I will never be able to sing to him (he is deceased). I hear it was very difficult making a living those days. My father always says how they were so poor they had to steal yams to survive. Ironically I've been eating yams a lot lately (and they're not cheap anymore) Why? Because last time I went home my Dad kept preaching about the antioxidant properties of yams, how great they are for our digestive system and in preventing cancer. My parents eat yams EVERY MORNING! I myself prefer eating peanut butter and banana toast. But yams are available everywhere. You'll find baked yams, yam desserts or yam soup here on the streets of Taipei. So whenever I can I choose yams for a good snack!

每次想到我父母在台灣的歷史讓我很感動，也更深的體會到我們真的很難猜我們地未來。 我想在港口做工人的爺爺很難想像有一天他會有一個在加拿大出生的孫女回來家鄉唱歌。可惜我沒機會唱給他聽(他已經走了)。聽說那時候過的很辛苦。 我爸爸還分享他如何偷地刮胃了要生存。 我以前不太吃地瓜，不過最近常常吃(雖然感覺越來越不便宜。 為什麼? 因為上叱回加拿大我的爸爸天天(真得是天天!)都會誇耀蕃薯是如此好的食物。 不僅幫助消化，也可以抗癌! 我的父母每天造上都吃蒸的 地瓜。 其實我早上比較喜歡 吃花生醬和香蕉片在全麥土斯上。 不過最近發現處處都有賣各式各樣的地瓜。 我喜歡吃烤的或喝薑絲地瓜湯(線在震在喝)，是一個不錯的零食。

Have you had a good yam yet today?
你呢?今天吃了地瓜嗎?

For more information on yams: http://www.ncsweetpotatoes.com/cordell.htm
關於地瓜的營養成分 (中文):http://www.mikefarm.com/landmellon.htm

Pictures from 基隆

感激的藝術 - the art of being grateful

The art of being grateful

Last week I had to chance to partake in an art exhibition for ALS patients. It was both inspiring, but also frightening. Seeing people at different stages of this cruel illness really scared me…to know that my mother might one day walk down this path. It was more than I could bear hence I spent the entire afternoon trying to recover from a hopeless pain. On the other hand, what I witnessed amidst the artists that displayed their work was the same courage and will to live I have seen in my mother. This really inspired me. There was a photographer, a poet, an author and a painter.

上個禮拜我參加了一個漸凍人的藝術展，我被激勵到但同時也被嚇到了。看到這些病人都在這個殘酷的病的不同的階段，讓我很害怕。因為就想到是否有一天我的媽媽也會走這條路。這個畫面所產生的痛遠超過我可以承擔，而我整個下午的心情就down下去了。不過這些藝術家的勇氣及生命力讓我想到我媽媽也有著一樣的樂觀態度。那天有詩人，畫家，攝影師，及作家參展，他們令我很感動。

The painter is a woman who didn't start painting until she was diagnosed with ALS. Knowing that time was working against her she seized the opportunity to learn something she had never learned before, only to discover she had great talent. As the disease has progressed over the past few years she eventually lost the ability to paint with her paintbrush. However she did not allow this challenge to paralyze her. Instead she continued to paint using a mouse on a computer. Her paintings are beautiful and speak to the world that she sees.

特別感動到我的是那位畫家。她被診斷得病之後才開始學國畫，因為她知道時間會是個壓力，所以她很努力學習，而因此發現其實她很有才華。隨著她肌肉的萎縮他失去用筆作畫的能力，但她並沒有因此就放棄發揮她的靈感，她繼續用滑鼠在電腦上創作，而她的作品描述出她所看到的美麗世界。

That day at the art show she spoke (with the assistance of her daughter) of her gratitude for at least having the ability to use one finger left. Here is a woman we can all learn something from. She sits in a wheelchair unable to move. All she has left to help her communicate is her facial expression and the movement of one finger with which she can use a computer. Yet her eyes do not speak of despair or pain. While most of us watch her thinking how cruel life can be, I saw such an inspiring smile on her face. She knows she is using her life to inspire others, she knows she is fulfilling her potential, and perhaps her life purpose.

她那天透過她的女兒來分享，她很感激她還有一個手指可以讓她繼續畫畫。我們都可以向他學習！雖然她坐在輪椅上，也失去控制身體的能力了，唯一剩下來可以與世界溝通是她的表情和使她可以用電腦的那一個手指，但她的眼神表達出的卻不是憂鬱或無力感。看到她會覺得生命真的很殘酷，但她的笑容像光一般，照著希望。她知道她要用她的生命來激勵別人，她知道可以發揮她的潛力與生命的意義。

I think that is what each of us longs for more than anything else – the chance to express our life potential. It doesn't matter what we may succeed in, if it is not what we believe to be part of what we were made to do, something is left unsatisfied. I've read of many lawyers and doctors who succeeded at their respective professions yet felt unsatisfied with life because it was not their chosen calling. Rather it was the one most validated and encouraged, be it from family and friends or the monetary reward.

我想我們每一個人都渴望發揮出我們獨一無二的潛力。無論你是不是成功，如果不覺得是你該發揮的才華，就很難有滿足感。我看過很多書描述了很多醫生及律師都不滿足，因為他們的工作並不是他們的夢想，就算他們得到了家人，朋友，和金錢的肯定，還是不滿足。

What do you feel you were made to do? I think all of us are on a journey to discover the answer to this question. And when we find the answer is when light is emitted from our soul and our eyes…it's then that we really shine. That is the light I feel when I stand on stage singing and know I've built an emotional connection with my audience. It is also the light I saw in the painter with ALS. Her life really humbled me. I often feel unhappy or struggle with the difficulty of the path I've chosen. But who am I to complain when I have full function of my faculties and I have hope that I can keep growing in the direction of my dream. For her, the only prayer she has is to be able to retain control over the one finger she has left to use. From her we can all learn something about gratitude.

你覺得你與生俱來該發揮的才華是什麼？我想我們都在尋找這個答案的過程中。 當我們找到的時候，我們的靈魂和眼睛都會發光。我知道當我在台上唱歌感受到和觀眾有種心對心的對話，我就感受到我在發光。我也在這位畫家的眼睛裡看見了這種光芒。她的生命讓我謙虛下來，我常常會因為夢想實現的不順利而不開心。 但我憑什麼可以抱怨呢？我還有很多的希望，因為我還可以四肢健全地繼續往前行，而她只能到靠著僅存的一根指頭。從她的身上我們學到了感激。

For more information: www.mnda.org.tw

台北大學校慶

It was a fun albeit short gig at Taipei University yesterday. Everytime I practice or perform with my band I always feel so happy and grateful. 去年這個時候我還滿低潮因為那時候第一次很不順利的嚐試組樂團。 心裡充滿恐懼和無力感。 還好我沒放棄!

三峽是一個很美很開闊的地方。那裡的學生很信服可以在那樣的環境讀書。 不過有的時候我還是不是很習慣台灣人的保守。 我在唱歌時很難感覺到大家的新是否被音樂touch到。 但表演之後有及個熱情的學生來鼓勵我。 我也被啦啦隊的活力鼓勵到。他們真會跳!