Share the dream journey together...

堅持夢想的路有的時候覺得很漫長，但收到大家的回應和鼓勵提醒了我堅持的價值不是建立在成不成功，而是在我們如此可以在過程中彼此分享和鼓勵。透過收到的留言和e-mail給我加了很寶貴的油!

我透過這個經歷也找到一個新的信念讓我更有勇氣。 在媒體中有許多"完美"的藝人。 他們的存在很容易讓我們給自己錯誤的"完美"標準。所以我可以很不完美的分享堅持和學習進步的過程是一個很寶貴的機會! 希望你有被激勵到!

Lily C

我快沒有臉了!

我快沒有臉了! 上週再沒有任何心理或實際的準備下上了最近很紅的 “快樂星期天”…真的不快樂! 其實從來沒看過這個節目，只知道有人因為被批評的很慘而得到憂鬱症。 我第一步就作了錯的決定就是選了一首台語歌 “望春風” 因為想可以用自己的方式唱…沒唱幾斷就因為咬子被喊停! 哇!站在那裡被挑剔是一件很不容易的事。 好想找一個洞讓我可以脫離殘酷的陷阱。 不過裁判還算對我還不錯，給了我兩次加分的機會…只是因為緊張及不充足的準備而對自己是非常的不滿! 在場的樂團很努力搭配我自己的歌但感覺和合弦讓我卡住，不過還是勇敢的完成了那個悲劇!

我想最讓我難過的是我知道我可以做的更好!

這次的經歷讓我回想到第一次主持廣播也出了大搝! 我忘了關mic而尖叫了 “救命” 因為電腦出了我不熟悉的問題。 那時候的主管就跑進studio不斷的揮手。 我不懂為什麼他不立刻解決我的問題而跳那麼誇張的舞。 後來明白他不斷的指出再量的紅燈代表麥克風還是開的。 我的臉就變了紫色。 我那時也考慮直接搭飛機回加拿大! 不過就吃了humble pie 繼續磨練自己。

我也想到第一次再河岸留言唱歌。 因為太緊張所以走音走的很嚴重。 我之後的女孩唱的好好。 我就更灰心覺得自己的夢想沒價值。 淋著雨走回家就更著與聲哭了一整晚! 但過了一個禮拜有鼓起勇氣回到那個舞台。雖然還是有走音但是有進步，應此信心也真加了才會有今天的我還可以唱兩個set!

每件事都有過程。 追求夢想也要勇敢的跌倒接受自己的不完美。 跌到就要再站起來拍拍屁股往前走。

可以笑...好開心

終於有可以笑的時間! 上個週末和老朋友聚會讓我脫離的了最近的黑雲。 我笑到嘴巴都痠咯! 因該是因為很久沒有用笑的肌肉。 It felt really good!

我們樂團還有三個表演我就要回加拿大看家人! 非常期待因為很珍惜可以在一起的時間! 希望大家不要等到家人生病才懂得珍惜! 要把握!

最近很想寫一手開心可以跳舞的歌但寫不太出來。 也許這次回家有開心的時間才會有靈感。 以下是我為阿姨的追師禮拜寫的歌:

Goodbye 不是永遠

瀝瀝的雨滴
喚醒所有的回憶
沿著淚水到谷底，呼喊你的名
劃破山裡的寂靜，等待你的回應

神密的精靈
飛翔夢中的森林
聽到傷心的哭泣，帶來安慰的魔力
在溪邊聽水的方言
叫回所有的記憶

Oh goodbye is not forever
Goodbye不是永遠
想念經歷過的一切
Goodbye 不是永遠

Goodbye不是永遠，Goodbye只是今天
捨不得要`失去妳，暫時的分離
期待等待那美好一天
可以再重逢再見面

to my precious aunt - passed away April 25th 5:25pm

Last Breath, Last Dance

you danced your dance, and I danced mine
our lives and stories entertwined.
your love was a light
touching all those blessed to be in your realm.

your gift was your heart always flowing,
cleansing us with your love and faith
reminding us that we are all precious and worthy...
in your light we were so graced

you never spoke of your needs
or regrets stored in long forgotten rooms
instead you seized love, seized life
dancing your way ever so vibrantly.

so we took this last dance
painfully watching you fade away

in courage, faith and love
you sustained us as the music played out.
giving us every last ounce of yourself
that we who are left could love, heal and bind.

this was your last gift, your most precious dance
we begged and pleaded with fate for one more chance
but you had already chosen, taken your stand
and you spoke with your heartbeat,
your love and cherished memories

i ache at the empty space before me, where we used to dance
i take empty steps forward, rhythm fades out with the passage of time.
in my dreams you come back, with wings of crystal lace
a new dance to the heavens, a new angel filled with grace.

so i watched your last breath, last dance, my comfort is the hope that one day
we will laugh at all we could not understand in this pain
in this foolish life, there is hope that sustains
in heaven we will meet again.

A pleasant surprise 開心的驚喜

終於找到一些力量面臨這一切而開時可以睡好一點. 我看一本書建議我們要選正面的比喻看待生命。 生命是一場遊戲或戰爭? 杳選適合你的比喻。 我最近再重一些花及香料就體會到生命像一個花園。 我們必須努力但是天氣和太陽不在我們的掌握。 農夫不會每天為他傻的種子失眠。 他們會一天好好的努力而睡的好。 我學習這種平安針對我的家人和我的夢想。 我一步一步做我可以的。 其他只能交給神。
I've finally started sleeping better and am learning to ride the waves. I read that it is important to use positive metaphors to see our life. Is life a game or a war? Depends which metaphor works for you. Lately I've been planting some flowers and spices on my balcony and I see that life is like a garden. We do what we can do, but when it comes to sunshine and weather conditions, there is still a lot left to chance. But farmers don't spend all night worrying about their crops. They go to sleep content at having done a good days work. I think I'm learning to have that kind of peace, both with respect to loving my family and in terms of my dreams. I'm doing what I can, bit by bit. The rest is up to God.

一個開心的驚喜是我的通學買了一張我得CD，下課請我簽名。 我都沒告訴同學我有出CD，我真的很surprise! 好像天使一般被上帝派下來告訴我"繼續加油...妳不是孤單的" 所以在這爺享謝謝大家的支持。 我是十分的感動。 我一定會加油!
One pleasant surprise was when a classmate came up to me after class and pulled out my CD from his backpack. I was so honored to sign that CD and it really was like an angel sent by God to say, "Hey! I'm still here....keep going!" So thank you to that classmate and all of you who have supported me. It does mean so much to me!

在長大中 Growing Up!

長大就必須面對生老病死。 面對死亡才會發現生命的美及重要性。 我最近試著發現我阿姨的病所產生的禮物。 我這幾個禮拜有許多與外婆和表妹有親密的時間及對話，甚過我來到台灣那麼多年。
Growing up means to be at peace with living and dying…and when we face death we really learn the importance and beauty of life. These days I'm learning not to look negatively at my aunt's tragedy, but at the gift she has given us. I have had more heart to heart talks with my grandmother and cousin these past few weeks than all my years in Taiwan combined.

在挫折時我們學習把真心拿出來依靠彼此。 我試著一個禮拜和外婆吃3到4餐因為他看著親愛的女兒躺在那裡，食慾不好。我可以感覺我們越來越親。 前幾天他握著我的手，苗小的他就全身靠著我。 感到很溫馨及感動。 我知道她感覺到可以一靠我面對這一切。 我也很榮幸可以陪她。
When we go through hard times together we learn to bring out our hearts and share them with each other. I try to eat with my grandmother 3-4 times a week because I hope she can have a good appetite despite the challenge of seeing her beloved daughter in a coma. I feel us growing closer everyday. The other day I was holding her hand and I could feel her lean on me with her small body. It felt so warm and wonderful. I know she feels she can count on me in these times of trouble and I am so glad I can be here for her.

所以雖然這一切都不是我希望會發生的事，但有許多禮物可以發現，我也感覺我一天比一天堅強。 感謝我有神，我的信仰，及許多的朋友協助我在挑戰中!
So even though many of these troubles are things I wish never happened, there are many gifts to discover and%

What Happened Lately?...太多事!

很久沒分享自己的心情…人再面對挑戰時不是很想坐下來體會心請避免兆成更多的難過。 不過有一位很可愛的女生叫Mavis星期天有來河岸留言鼓勵我。 她也提醒我blog快冷掉了。 What happened lately? 很難過的是我很寶貝的阿姨腦幹中風而現在在加護病房重度昏迷的狀態。 我的心情是成重的。 媽媽的病也還沒有一個明確的治療方向，每天只能不斷的為我愛的人禱告。

我的時間分配在鼓勵和陪伴婆婆和表弟妹，照顧媽媽的心情，也錄了一些鼓勵的CD不斷的放給阿姨聽。 有些人說沒希望了，但每次唱歌給她聽他的血壓就往上爬。 幾個禮拜下來也不知道能盼望什麼。 這個感覺很難形容。 中風的前一天很開心的看到阿姨，兩天後只能和她睡覺的樣子互動。 看到表弟妹的難過也再一次提醒我要把握機會珍惜和表達愛給身旁的人。 你永遠不知到什麼時候就沒雞會。 我的表弟很遺憾他從小時候就沒吻媽媽的臉…到現在才發揮心理的愛。也希望這些分享能讓一些人省悟。

不過也有好消息(要不然我就倒下去了!)…我又繼續學中文了，也因為Lili的介紹開時在文化大學學音樂編曲。 可以學東西是我每個禮拜的盼望。 這段時間也和表妹成為更親的關係，讓我很感動。 所以無論多挑戰，任何事裡面還是有可以發現的寶。

一起慶祝春天的來臨...

It's been a while...

最近有個朋友問我發片之後有什麼樣的想法，我就發現這幾個月忙著誠品的巡迴加上回家那麼長的時間害我沒機會靜下來思拷這個問題。 我很久沒留言的原因是我正在做今年的計畫及花一些時間聽內心的話。 因為還有很多的未知心情友一些挑戰。 不過目前大部分的時間都花在練唱，寫新歌及運動。 發現從感恩節到聖誕節到新年加上回加拿大的享受，農曆年許多的搭餐和去高雄和台南的小吃...well當然胖了! 走路時就真加了蒟蒻擺動的感覺。 坦白說看到體重就有一點小負面。不過當我想到 每一口開心的時刻我就決定這一切都值得! 生命不是就是要享受這些嗎?

A friend asked me the other day, how do I feel after releasing my first album? The past few months have been a bit of a whirlwind with the Eslite tour and then going home for such a long period of time. I haven't written in so long because I've been doing some introspection and planning for the next few months. There are some discussions going on as to what will happen next, but in the mean time there's nothing better than practicing singing, writing music and getting to the gym! Unfortunately (or fortunately the endless flow of fine food from Thanksgiving to Christmas, to New Years, to eating in Canada, to Chinese New Year, to travelling to Kaoshiung and Tainan)...well it's meant some extra jiggle in my figure...making me more womanly, but not that healthy. I have to admit seeing the scale was not a happy moment for me. But then I thought about all the INCREDIBLE meals I've had these past few months and I realized..."IT WAS ALL WORTH IT...EVERY SINGLE BITE!" Who wants to live a life of deprivation?

The good news is that my mom tested positive for Lyme disease which means there is hope she may respond to treatment! The past month has been a bit of an emotional roller coaster because she started getting worse after taking the medication. I had many nights of nightmares. But the past week she said her strength is improving a little bit. Amidst all of this I've learned that control is just an illusion in our lives. We want to control things by our efforts, and it often looks like we are in control. However, there are always situations in life that humble us and make us realize that all we can do is decide how we will live this moment.

To me that means really appreciating my time in Taiwan. To be honest I have thought about moving home quite a few times since my mom's illness set in. And while I haven't fully made a decision yet, in the mean time I talk to her on the phone almost every other day and I'm also making the most of my time here by staying in close contact with my grandmother who recently celebrated ther 76th birthday. We went to a Fuzhou restaurant with 8 women she met at church. It was a touching party because at her age I think it is rare for women to have close friends. They usually just stay within their families or marriages. However, here are a group of women who get together weekly and get involved with each other through thick and thin. That was so touching. They wrote cards and bought presents for her. She glowed with happiness, like a little girl. I don't think she ever had a birthday like that before. I am so grateful she has found this group of friends.

Oh yeah, back to my album...well at first when I released it I could barely listen to it. I was afraid to hear its imperfections, which undoubtedly there are due to limitations in our production budget. But as I toured around with it I had no choice but to listen to it more and more and the cool thing is that it really grew on me. I can hear my heart and what it is trying to convey. I hear the perseverance in my dream and my songs can really encourage me when I'm feeling down. I shared with a friend the other day that writing and singing is really my therapy. So songs like "Happy Day" and "Forget About Cinderella" pick me up when I'm feeling a little down. "Starry Love" makes me imagine what it will be like to take a stroll with the one I live (when I meet him), and "Perfect Moment" capture what I remember love to taste like.

I'm proud of myself for staying true to my heart and my music. When you hear my album you will hear my true feelings and perspective on life. To that end, my heros are Alanis Morrisette, Jewel and Sarah McLachlan who have stayed true to their course as well. It's not easy, especially in Taiwan where the environment is not conducive to this type of music...yet...I'm hoping I can help start a revolution. Will you join me?

如何樂觀

Here is part of a letter I received through email which I would like to share with you...

"Whenever I see you , I can feel you are always very happy , and optimistic. I'm so admire you have thins kind of personality.

Can you tell me how to be a happy person without catch a friend or lover(I think I always depend on friendship and lover to give me happyness, but catch closer will lost much.) On the other hand, I never like myself, I don't why........, I think if I can do something than I will happy,but I still weren't happy if I reach the goal.

I hope I could happy and optimistic as you, and share others my happyness rather than share bad story to them. Would you give me some advises? Thank you."

Wow! I never thought someone would say I was optimistic. In fact I have a friend who told me he felt I was not very happy based on reading my website. It just goes to show you how different people's perspectives can be....which is really the key to happiness. PERSPECTIVE (態度或角度) We are like ships. We cannot change our external environment. The weather can change. There will be sunny days, cloudy days, windy days, clear days, stormy days etc...That is similar to life. But we can chart a goal and a direction and make sure our ship is in good order. So there are three things we must do:

1. Accept we cannot change what is happening outside. It may be good or bad. That is life.
2. Make sure our ship is in good shape by taking care of ourselves, making sure we are in good health and good spirits. Get good rest, exercise and eat healthy. Learn to grow in maturity and heal the parts of you that need to be healed so your ship is in order and ready to take on the adventure that life can be.
3. Know where you want to go (rather than sailing aimlessly) while maintaining flexibility to accept that there will be detours and you may have to change destinations depending on outside circumstances.

To tell you the truth it takes me a lot of effort to be optimistic. I am not naturally that way. I have a sensitive heart and need to spend lots of time writing alone to make sense of my feelings and interactions with the world. However another part of being happy is having a healthy expectation for life. I do not believe that happiness is built on achieving goals. Goal achievements are moments that pass by quickly. However growth and the adventure of going after your goals is what is meaningful and priceless. Hence adjusting your PERSPECTIVE and EXPECTATION so that you can appreciate what is happening in the moment. Appreciate the people around you, the growth you are experiencing in your life, even the challenges you are in the process of overcoming.

More importantly, we cannot do any of this alone. I have several important friends who keep me going along the way. My dream for sharing my heart through music has not been an easy road to take. Many people have strongly discouraged me from taking this path. But I have friends who encourage me when I fall down (like singing off key in front of thousands of people) and keep me going on my bad days. It's okay to share your bad feeling with friends.

I am an emotional person with many ups and downs. I can experience intense happiness and sadness in the span of one hour. Rather than working hard to change this, I'm learning to accept that this is a part of who I am as an artist and creator. This intensity fuels my creations. At the same time I am also learning to not repress myself which creates more tension and stress.

AND, when there is nobody there to hug or encourage me, when life is not going the way I wish it would, or when I feel empty or that things are meaningless, I go back to my faith in God. I read the Bible and I pray for comfort and answers. I am lucky to have a great church where I have learned so much about living with a good friend who is always present, which is God!

Dear friend, though you feel sad right now. I hope you know that these pangs are an important part of growth. Learning to feel what you feel is not easy. Most people just get busier, make more goals or go out and party with lots of people to numb the pain. I too have had many struggles to love and accept who I am instead of changing myself to become some perfect ideal which is impossible.

I do have one piece of homework I would like you to do, which I did for a few months last year, that is write 3 encouraging things about yourself. For example 1. I smiled at a stranger today. 2. I wore green which looks good on me. 3. I gave my sister a big hug today.

Do this every night before you go to sleep and you will be amazed at how much you will love yourself more. It is not easy to change your outlook over night. BUT with effort everyday, step by step you will start to feel a difference!

I do have one praise for you: YOU BRAVELY SOUGHT HELP! That is a great thing to do. I am proud of you.

Love and best wishes,
Lily C

A Delicious Day!

This was what I ate for breakfast yesterday. It was truly a perfect day. The weather was balmy and warm for January. My sister took a day off work so we could have "Sister Bonding Day" which is very important to us because we live so far apart.

I will be back on a plane next week to return to Taipei and I am beginning to feel homesick already! That said, I am also excited about returning to Taiwan to continue sharing my music and also to celebrate Chinese New Year!!!

Anne and I had a delicious day from a scrumptious brunch, to an afternoon at the Distillery District where we ate heavenly chocolate that melted on our tonuges from Soma Chocolate. They hand make their chocolate and blend different kinds with the precision and design of artists! It was wonderful to see people approach making chocolate as a craft.

Afterwards, we shopped around at St. Lawrence Market where we did more food shopping! I don't know if it's because we're Chinese or if it's because of our Cheng genes, but my sister and I both LOVE food! Our entire day comprised of mostly exploring and trying new foods.

We also shopped along Queen St. West. Whereas I used to love Queen St. East because of it's eclectic mix of mainstream, vintage and unique shops, it has become overly commercial over the years and Queen West is where all the unique stores have moved. Although one thing I realized is that although I like the "bohemian look" because of the hippy in me, it is actually quite expensive when it is done in designer clothing. Tie-dye and ripped jeans may have been staples of activists of old, but these days, trying to look "John Lennon" is very expensive, which is kind of an oxymoron if you think about it. Trying to look like you are "grassroots" and down to earth, but paying designer prices...well it's just not something I can afford to do...nor do I agree with it necessarily.

That said...if I weren't a "struggling artist" perhaps I would indulge a little bit in this area. But for now window shopping was enough to satisfy! Albeit I did invest in some real vintage from a cute little store called Cabaret Vintage. The clothes there are hand selected from the 40s and 50s and I realized how much more effort they put into sewing and design of clothes from that time as opposed to these days where everything is mass produced without the attention to detail.

When our hunger returned we ended up finding a cute little restaurant called Pomegranate which serves Persian food. It was a great taste adventure because of all the spices they use. We had vegetarian caviar (made out of an olive paste), and rice cooked with fresh dill, saffron and fava beans. I cannot describe how great it is to discover new flavors.

We ended the day at a bakery where we indulged in a Portugese egg tart with filo pastry and a sponge cake topped with egg custard. Unfortunately I also indulged in a coffee which is why I'm up so early in the morning today!

It was a beautiful day and I cherish not just the food we ate, but the time we spent as sisters. We talked about where we are in our lives and what we'd like to see happen in 2006. It was also great that we didnt' have a plan (which is highly unusual for me being a control freak). Instead we "went with the flow" and the flow was good.

It is difficult to imagine where both of us will be a year from now. My sister is also at a crossroads in her life and making some big decisions. While we plan and wait for some things to happen, we also feel our lives even more uncertain because of my mom's illness. It is difficult to make plans when ther is a piece of your heart that is not fully at rest because it worries about someone so important.

My mom has been taking medication, but there has not been a significant improvement yet. In fact, it has caused some degradation which makes us all a little uneasy. I do believe this is a reminder to love her more, as love is truly the best medicine. My mom is a real trooper and I admire her optimism and courage SO MUCH!

It's been an intense "vacation" here in Canada. I have learned a lot more about myself and I had some good opportunities to reconnect with friends.

What will 2006 bring?

I believe it will be beyond my imagination. Hence just like I enjoyed the flow of living without a concrete plan on this wonderful "Sister Bonding Day" I hope I can also do the same for this year!

Home Sweet Home

為了要逃避都市的忙碌我們全家開了三個小時住在一個有廚房和璧爐的cabin。我們從來沒有鬆天的時候往北開而發現那裡的風景很美！　我們不斷的拍照因為每個角落都好美。

It is a lovely family time together!

I shall see my mom very soon!

My mother's illness is not the path I would have chosen, but it has added to the power of the message I have always sought to share. Here is a picture of pure love and happiness expressed by a mom and daughter at my mini concert in Taouyuan.

Next week around this time I shall be in Canada enjoying the same beautiful warmth that can only be shared between mother and daughter!

I CAN'T WAIT!!!

想念廣播Missing Radio

昨晚有榮幸上黃國倫的廣播節目。 我很久以來就喜歡他寫的歌: "我願意" 但我以為是一個白頭髮的老爺爺寫的歌。 沒想到他滿年輕而有搖滾的風格。 但他也分享他閉關的一段日子才寫了這首歌。 我總覺得好的創作都是痛苦釀出來的。 很像女生要生孩子之前的痛。

Last night I had the honor to be on 黃國倫's radio show. I have always enjoyed the song he wrote, "我願意" I was surprised to find out he was not an older man as I had expected. I assumed that someone who could write lyrics with such depth must have grey hair. However, Mr. Huang was a young man with a rock and roll style to him. However, he did share that he also spent a period of his life looking for himself and writing music. His famous song is a result of four years of painful searching. This confirms my theory that creation must always include suffering. Just as a woman must suffer in pregnancy and childbirth, so too must the creator, be it of music or any other art.

坐在mic前讓我非常得懷念以前做廣播的日子。 最讓我感動是一位劉先生打進來在空中給飛吻給他的媽媽。他說他沒打過Call-in但我的分享有感動到他。 當我們問他"你的媽媽在哪裡?" 他的聲音就成下來，他說她已經走了幾個月了。 我好感動!!! 我知道他打進來不只是為了給個飛吻。 他希望他可以鼓勵大家把握他已經沒有的機會: 親自表達愛給媽媽。
Sitting in front of the microphone at the radio station made me think of the "good old days"...and the moment I was most touched was when I asked people to call in and blow a kiss to their mom on the air. A man by the name of Mr. Liu called in. He confessed he had never called into a radio program before. He bravely gave a loud "mmmmuah!" on air. When asked where his mom was, his voice became solemn and he shared how his mom had passed away a few months ago. I was SO TOUCHED...because I know he called in, not only to give a kiss to his mom, but he wanted to touch others in the hopes that they would make the most of an opportunity he no longer has...to express your love to your mom.

我想劉先生一定心裡還在療傷，但他的Call-in是一個犧牲和service. 他分享了他的心. 我想跟劉先生說: "謝謝你! MMMMMUAH!"
I'm sure life has not been easy as he is still in the mourning process, but Mr. Liu made an act of sacrifice and service to call in. He shared his heart and I want to say to him a big THANK YOU and MMMMMUAH!

那一個時刻讓我很懷念廣播!
His phone call really made me miss the days of radio!

黃老師的感想: ETFM BLOG

忙碌的旋傳

Life has been busy lately with radio interviews, magazine interview, school performance and I got to go to 真裡大學做歌唱比賽做裁判。 生命很精采，but this busy schedule challenges me up 因為我是痕喜歡控制的任；所以忙的時候就會有疑種不安全感。 我很開心有機會認識哪麼多人也很感動有這些人的鼓勵，不過一傘一傘的臉傘過去也讓我體會友一些比較深的關係的重要信，要不然每天忙碌很容易變成麻木。 不過還是堅持去看我的可愛的外婆。 她最近心跳的不舒服所以就和他禱告因為吃藥都沒有幫助。 我就跟她說"妳好可憐" 我可以感覺他有被安慰到。

參家學生的歌唱比賽讓我在一次去思考唱歌的本質。 有的時候我們很注重音準及技巧，但我想最重要還是人透過音樂可以碰到別人的心。 看到這協喁桿的同學就想到我剛開時學習上台唱歌常常走音因為很警張。 但是透過堅持練錫堅持冒險，透過很多的眼淚我陷在讚在台上市有信心的。 所以我就用我的故事鼓勵這些學生。

It is scarier to live in fear than it is to live a life with the courage to walk out there even when we are scared.

我的"少年家"在哪裡?

<---鄧雨賢的兒子

前幾天從來沒聽過鄧雨賢著個人，但我禿然被邀請去她的記錄片首映會，而必須學一首他的歌。
　沒想到其實我試聽他的歌長大的。 雖然我是加拿大華僑但他的音樂卻扮演了很重要的腳色在我生命因為只要我聽到他的歌就會想到爸爸。想念家鄉的她常常唱這些歌給我們聽。 我就找出來一段我三歲錄的片段，是我爸爸晿"滿春風"...我最後加了一聲"少年家". 想聽嗎? CLICK HERE

感覺好胖!!!

<----Not Model Thin

誰說瘦才是美? 我昨天思考了這問題。 為什麼? 因為認識了一對母女，媽媽說女兒怪他生她臉不夠瘦長。 這個女生其實很美有很甜的笑容。 更重要是她很有才華而一經出國練博士了。 有的時候我也會卡在我的外在的條件開始不斷地批評自己的”缺點”。 什麼事完美呢? 這個標準是誰定的? 真是讓我覺得好煩! 我同一天(也就是昨天)和一個非常瘦的女生照相，她就說 “Oh! 我的臉好大! 是方形的!” 聽到我的直覺的反應是 “那我呢?” 後來也覺得好莫名其妙，一個漂亮的女生看不到自己的美。 我想這種對話在我們的生活圈不斷地再發生。

我必須承認雖然我知道一個人的價值不應該來之她的外表，但我也會有負面的聲音困擾我。 為什麼是這樣? 因為每天我們都被媒體的標準轟炸。 我的專輯的封面上是一個沒有化妝的我…也沒有電腦修飾。 我真希望我們可以被解放。 不是說要放重，但是可以健康的去享受生命。 我今天早上不開心…看到昨天參加記者會的照片而記的這些女生給我的標準就開時負面。 我心理想: “I’m so fat and ugly.” 再來昨天晚上也吃了一個滿大的火機大餐。 我已經很難沒有罪惡感地享受美食。 看鏡子時就看自己不好。 I wish I could turn off all the programming! 後來就和朋友分享心情她就說 “如果內心的這些聲音那麼容易不理就沒那麼多賺很多錢的減肥公司。” 她就鼓勵我用正面的鼓勵去迪蕩外面的想法。But it’s easier said than done! 真得不容易。

做檸檬汁

<---Me and My mom 2 years ago.

Jesus said, "In this life you will have trouble,"
Buddha said "Life is suffering."
In The Road Less Travelled, M. Scott Peck said, "Life is difficult."
In Embracing Uncertainity, Susan Jeffers said, "Life is uncertain."

Well, that's not encouraging news! I would say it's bad news! The past two days I felt emotionally challenged as I struggle yet again to deal with accepting the state of my mother's health. My best friend Samantha is also going through a lot because her mother has been showing more serious signs of degredation from Alzheimers. It pains me to watch her have to mourn the loss of the mother she knew while having to take care of this new childlike person in the body of her mother.

I think the hardest thing to do amidst these trials is to accept and let go. ACCEPT. Seems like a simple word, but I often have to wrestle with many of life's unknowns, accepting that control is really just an illusion. LET GO...it's easy for us to think we're in control. We can decide what time to go to bed, what to eat, how much we work, but at any moment events can happen that make us realize that we are never truly in control.

So, how do we stay optimistic? For me it's learning to make the most of what I have. Though it's easy to feel paralyzed by fear and disappointment, like I once quoted on my radio show, "If life gives you lemons, make lemonade." I don't know how much time I can enjoy with my mom, just as Samantha doesn't know how quickly her mother will degrade, but together we are learning how to encourage each other to make the most of it. For me, that means putting off work and going home for extended periods of time and planning small vacations for our family. For Samantha it means building a relationship with the person her mother has become.

When life does not deal you the cards you want, you still need to stay in the game. Besides, you never know when you'll get a surprise ace! I had that feeling yesterday because I was really feeling SO DOWN!...I finally allowed myself to take a nap and when I woke up I found out I had 3 radio interviews lined up for the coming weeks.

It really isn't easy going the indie route. We have no marketing budget and we're just trying our best to find avenues for me to share my music and my heart. With no money, no income and only two people I often feel overwhelmed by the feeling that I'm never doing enough. There's always more that needs to be done. But what I'm learning is to accept where I am and make the most of what I've got. That is not only a form of optimism, it is also a form of appreciation. I need to remind myself to stay grateful, that I have a partner also willing to invest her life, spirit and time, and for all the challenges I've overcome to be where I am today.

My theme song these days, "Let Go" by Frou Frou :-)

新竹的好吃和感動

昨天再新竹過了一個滿開心的時間。 下午在誠品表演，晚上在Sogo的路邊表演，有街頭藝人的感覺。 我們遇到的人都很親切及鼓勵包括誠品和Sogo的員工。 我被一些願意分享自己的真心的觀眾特別鼓勵到。 也因此發現可以用音樂讓大家團聚及互動和分享。 因為中國人很含蓄而也有許多的傳統，有這樣的機會和時間很不容易，也很寶貴。

Yesterday was a pleasant day in Hsinchu. I played at Eslite in the afternoon and on the sidewalk of Sogo in the evening. The people were receptive, friendly and encouraging. I was especially touched by some of the listeners who shared their hearts. I am beginning to realize how meaningful it can be to bring people together because of music and create an opportunity for sharing and interaction. This is not very easy in a conservative Chinese environment.

我邀請觀眾分享自己的優點有一個很勇敢的婦女說雖然踏面領許多的挑戰包括離婚和癲癇症，她還是對生命充滿熱情。我很欣賞她的勇氣願意分享她的真心!

I asked the audience to share something they admired about themselves. One woman shared how she although she struggled with divorce and epilepsy, she maintains a passion for life. I could see the hardship in her eyes, but also the light and the will to live. I really admired her courage, to share her heart that way.

我也給觀眾機會向他們的媽媽表達心裏的愛如同我為我母親寫的哥。 雖然我提共了一張Cd做獎品沒人站起來，我很擔心冷場了。 看到一個媽媽想說服她的青少年的女兒我就把他們拉到台上。 雖然女兒很害羞他做了一見他說他從來沒做過的事，就是吻媽媽的臉頰。

At the end of my Eslite bookstore concert I sang Mama and offered to give a CD to anyone willing to get up in front of everyone and either kiss their mom and tell them "I love you" or call their mom on the phone and do the same. I was scared nobody would take the offer...everyone just sat there in silence...I think yearning to be able to have the courage. I saw one mother trying to persuade her daughter, and felt something move me in side to get them to come up. At first the daughter was shy and reluctant, but she broke through and in an act of courage gave her mom a kiss on the cheek, something she admitted she has never done before. The daughter looked like she was in her early teens, a time when most parents feel emotionally very distant form their children as teens are forming their own character and identity.

媽媽一坐下來就開始哭。我想是感動的眼淚因為雖然我們知道我們家人是愛我們的，但是深心還是需要感受那份愛透過言語和肢體的表達。我真的很希望這對母女會繼續表達因為他們有這一次的勝利。

When the mom sat down she started crying. I know she must have felt so touched by her daughter's act of love. I hope they can carry on with this, now that they've had this one victory!

看到他們的突破感覺看到奇跡。 我有些朋友想了好幾年都沒辦法和父母的關係更靠近。 我們很容易孝順父母用錢或著問“你吃了沒?”但把真心拿出來並不簡單。 有的時候即便在同樣的房間但心裡的距離像海般的大。

That moment, I felt I had witnessed a miracle. I have several friends who are still unable after years of longing, to break through multitudes of barriers that exist preventing them to connect emotionally with their parents. It's easy for children to "show respect" as is ingrained in our culture, through giving money or asking "have you eaten yet?", but to really take out our hearts and make the connection...sometimes though we're in the same room it can feel like oceans.

所以我很感激我媽媽為了要愛我和我妹袂打破了她的傳統，希望透過分享她的榜樣也能繼力到大家。

So, I'm so grateful for my mom, who broke through many Chinese traditions to be close to me and my sister and by sharing her example, I hope that others will also be inspired.

這個精力特別讓我感動因為在那個時刻我是如此的開心我是活著的。 我心裡有個聲音告訴我 “這就是我的天命!” 即便我不是大明星…或許我永遠沒辦法靠音樂吃飯(雖然還是可以有夢想)…但是我有很寶貴的機會用很親密的方式分享我的音樂，是少數的大明星有的機會。

This experience was very moving for me because at that moment I felt so happy to be alive. In my heart I felt a voice say, "THIS is what I'm made to do!"...so I'm not a big super rockstar...I may never be able to make a living off my music...though I still dare to dream. But I have the opportunity to connect through my music on a very personal level with people. Something rockstars don't necessarily have the opportunity to do.

有的時候我還是會跟內心很想成功的慾望角力，但當我可以touch到人的新我就存了能量來應付那些在路邊唱，沒錢賺，也沒人理你的時候。

Hence, even though I often fight with inner temptation to want to "make it", moments like these add fuel to my bucket for the hard times when you're singing on the sidewalk baring your heart and soul, not making any money, while people pass by oblivious to the love you would like to share with them.

不過在 Sogo路邊唱很開心。有親愛的聽友透過網站的消息從台中來到新竹鼓勵我。

That said, singing on the sidewalk of Sogo was not a bad experience. Some people who heard about the show through my website came out to cheer me on...even a couple of people from Taichung!...

WOW…我想說一聲謝謝對所有和我分享在新竹很快了的一天。 你們的點頭，認真的眼神，用腳跟著節奏打拍子…你們都鼓勵到我，也參予了我的夢想。 很高興有機會和大家相處。

WOW...all I can say is THANKS to all you who stopped and listened, nodded and tapped your feet to my singing and sharing. You made me feel so happy to be alive...to have the chance to connect to all of you!

Sadness

There is this feeling of unease inside that I am having difficulty embracing...usually when I feel this way I just want to run, bike, eat, or do something...but actually I need to do nothing and learn to sit with the feeling...let it rise and recognize it as a part of me.

It is not so easy to embrace sadness...

What am I afraid of?